In the recent weeks I have had many people bombard me with relationship questions. I decided to address the ones that were asked the most. For those of you who are just tuning in, I do not consider myself a relationship guru, but I do have a sufficient amount of knowledge… enough to advise others anyways. Also, for those who don’t know, I was not just a science geek that dug bio during college, I also majored in sociology. Therefore I do know what I am talking about lol I have been studying people and their roles in society for years.

Now lets get right to it. Can a guy and girl be just friends? Why is it so hard to get a guy to open up to you? When is it right to cut a former flame out of your life?

Friendship...Is it platonic?

When it comes to the question of whether or not guys and girls can be just friends there is no universal truth. In some cases guys and girls can be the best of friends but in other cases any truly platonic relationship is virtually impossible. I have been on both ends. I have some really good guy friends in my life that I honest to God treat like brothers. I consider them family and the feeling is mutual. Then there are former guy friends of mine that didn’t see me in the same light. At some point in time I went from being their “sister” or close “homegirl” to the girl they wanted to date. I was pretty firm on my standings and those friendships went down the drain. Sad times :’(

I think that whether or not a guy and a girl can be just friends really depends on how the friendship started, on whether or not there is a physical attraction involved, and on the personalities of the individuals. There really is no good reason why members of the opposite sex can’t have important and close friendships with one another. Objections to these types of friendships come from a crude cultural belief that all guys view girls as sexual objects first and real people second. This is just plain stupid and does a disservice to males and females.

While there are situations where physical attraction is a factor it is rarely so overwhelming that it makes a friendship impossible. When physical attraction or lust does get in the way of being friends it isn’t always the guy who is struggling with those feelings. Yes, girls do lust after guys as much as guys lust after girls.

Whether or not that lust stifles a budding friendship or destroys an existing one is entirely dependent on the person having the feelings. Guys and girls can be friends if they really want to be friends. It only gets complicated if there is physical attraction involved that is not handled.

Closed Books...

I have had a lot of women continuously coming to me whining about the fact that their men are such closed books. They keep saying I pour my heart and soul out to him. (I think we all do that at times) I ask him to please be more open with me and share his other side. It is hard for me to love him completely when he shows only the perfect side of him. I trust him and believe he has good intentions, even if he talks about superficial things too much. He does say he loves me a lot, but that isn't enough anymore.

Well ladies, maybe you should consider the fact that most of the time it is socially unacceptable for men to display their feelings. Men who show their feelings tend to be disparaged as weak both by their male peers and by the women they date. If you're at the stage where you're willing to let him open up to you without thinking negatively about him…well then good for you; but he may not yet be ready or comfortable. So stop having panic attacks and take a few steps back.

I hate to say it, but a lot of women, just like MEN, say lots of things they don't mean simply because they think it sounds good. Its something I have definitely taken notice to when observing and listening to surrounding females, and what I imagine a lot of guys have learned, through personal experience. Trusting what these women say is a hit or miss game, and a game each and every male has to play his own way without assistance.

Rest assured my sweethearts that in time, he will open up…maybe not as much as you would like, but he will do it, so the more you stand by him, the fewer games you play, the more he will start to trust you. Try to understand his point of view from a sociological perspective and always remember these 3 golden rules.

Rule 1 - Do not nag him

So, if you ask him 99 times he has to tell you the truth on 100 right? Wrong! If you continually ask your guy the same question over and over again you may think that you are wearing him down. But really you are just wearing him out. If he doesn't want to tell you something then nagging him is only going to make him calm up more. On top of that, you have just put yourself in the dreaded position of being the nagging woman. Don't let that happen. Trust me on this one. I have done it enough times to really understand how damaging it can be. 

Rule 2 - No ultimatums

If you are willing to manipulate your guy by giving him ultimatums in order to glean information from him, then you'd better also be ready to lose him. Guys feel intensely threatened by women who offer ultimatums for something that they want and with good reason. An ultimatum is essentially emotional abuse. If you use them, your guy will not feel comfortable opening up to you because you have established yourself as someone who may hurt him if he does. An ultimatum will not get your man to reveal his true feelings to you. On the contrary, it will either make him leave you or make him lie to you.

Rule 3 - Give up

That's right, relationships mean compromise and if you have already tried to get your man to reveal his true feelings and been denied access then you need to move on. He will tell you when he is ready to do so and any amount of nagging or forcing will only work against your ultimate goal. Besides, once he thinks that you don't care anymore he may actually start to wonder why and miss the fact that you aren't giving him attention over it. He just might be inspired to open up to you when you least expect it.

The ex....

Ahhhh the dreaded ex factor. We have all been there. Can you remain friends with an ex? Yes and no. It truly depends on the situation. The only 2 ex’s I am friends with are guys with whom I was good friends with from the get go. Those relationships weren’t very serious and ended on good terms. Then there was my serious relationship of three years in which there is no chance in hell that I would ever consider being friends with the guy. So I think a lot depends on why you broke up. Anytime there is a restraining order, no friendship can come lol

Let's first look at the break up. Are you done breaking it off? Do either of you have unresolved anger towards the other? Do either of you feel like you were taken advantage of, or taken for granted, and haven't fully expressed this in a cleansing way? The first relationship -lovers- has to really be over, before the second relationship -friendship- can begin.

Is wanting to be friends now a subconscious excuse to be around this person so you can find closure on unresolved things? And the opposite is true, too. Did you break up because you cheated? Did you take her for granted? Did she find out you lied about your ex? Is wanting to be friends now, really a product of guilt you have for how you were as a partner? Do you feel you owe your ex, at the very least, your friendship? These are not the kinds of preambles that will result in good friendships. Be clear about the break up in your mind, and make sure your ex is too.

If you truly want to be friends with your ex, it should be because you like him as a friend. It needs to be because you are willing to work at what might be a very hard friendship to solidify. What attracted you to him or her in the first place, is probably still there. She may still be the coolest person in your life, that reads the same things you read and enjoys talking about those books over 2am coffees at bad diners. He may still be the guy with the best sense of humor, that's happy to go to Laker games and and shares a lot of your interests. Your ex may still exist in the same light in which you first saw this person. Maybe dating was a mistake. Or maybe it was worth a shot, but sadly it didn't work. There's habit and familiarity here, which are huge things and should not be taken lightly. Do you want to be friends with your ex because he's so exceptional, or because he's so easy and convenient?

There is a process that comes with getting over a break up. Once you and your former flame have successfully moved on, the two of you may be able to forge a successful friendship. However, you need to give it time and let it happen naturally. Sometimes couples are not willing to leave their friendships in the hands of fate. After all, they reason, if love didn't blossom for them, why would friendship be any different? But friendships ARE different, and that's the point. So if you happen upon your former flame after you are both in a good place in your lives, keeping them around as a friend is a possibility.

In a perfect world, the ideal would be for exes to succeed at being friends, but in one where bitterness, jealousy, passion, and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought, it can be quite difficult. It is NOT impossible though. I think that unless the two of you were the best of friends before, both broke up on the same terms in a perfectly mutual breakup, both have no qualms about either of you seeing new people, and have both instilled a policy of total honesty, you're better to leave the friendship behind... along with the memories.

Its been nearly a month since my cousin passed and even though I am moving forward with my life and attempting to act normal, I really cant fathom what has happened. Grief truly is a strange emotion. You have convinced yourself that you're ok, you are moving forward and even if just for a moment, you really believe things are going to be ok. Then, out of nowhere, something will trigger that pain and it hits you like a bullet through your chest all over again. Some days I am ok, I truly am, other days I am just sulking. Its just so hard to think about living life without someone who I grew up with and have always been so close to. Ive lost an older brother and best friend and he cannot be replaced.

I can’t shake that image of his body lying in that casket from my mind. I can’t shake the grief that seems to be permeating my whole being. I feel so empty. I sit here and look at pictures of us when Im alone. I go on his facebook everyday looking for some type of closure that it just cannot give me. I am proud to call Sathy family. I dont know another that is as courageous and loving as he was. People say to live each day like it were your last but he is the only person I know that lived up to that saying. I remember Sathy once saying, " Tanu, I am happy with where I am in life, I feel accomplished, Ive done well for myself and helped a lot of people, so if I go now its ok, I have lived my life to the fullest." Not many people feel that content with their present lives, and most certainly not at such a young age.

Ive grown much closer to Sathy's girlfriend during this time. We share the pain of losing him but never would I be able to comprehend her pain. They were planning their marriage for next year, dreamt of having children together and growing old together. Nothing I say can make it easier for her to deal with losing the love of her life. I pray nobody has to endure such pain. Mina is a very strong girl and I am proud of her for keeping it together the way she has. She called me the other day and said "Your family is amazing. They are such funny people.. always cracking jokes and trying keep each others' spirits up, especially during this time. Just being around them has helped me so much. Everyone accepted me with open arms and treated me like family, even the cousins I never knew about before treat me like I'm one of their own." That is my family. However crazy we may get, we are one huge loving bunch. Anyone who is with us is bound to laugh until they cry and be surrounded by an immeasurable amount of love.

I have been a support system for many people in my family during this time but I know for a fact I would not have made it if it weren't for my mother. She has been my pillar of strength. My mother was the one that refused to let me sit idle and cry myself to sleep everyday and night, she refused to let me keep it all in and shut everyone out, she refused to watch me fall into a slow depression, and she refused to let me sit defeated. I am stronger because of her. Her support allowed me to help not only myself but also everyone else.

Coming to terms with reality is always hard but when you have such strong support it becomes easier. I know I will be ok. Time will heal these wounds. Memories wont fade and the love wont disappear but time will help lessen the pain.

Every timeI was reluctant and scared about a decision in the making, Sathy always said, "Just Do it, you don't want to regret it later on." He would be happy to know that he was always right. I just need to learn to throw caution the wind and take more chances in life. You dont know how long your stay is... so why wait to do things to make yourself happy?


Mina found this old note of Sathy's that truly depicts who he was. RIP brother.

Gone Too Soon

In loving memory of Satwant Rai (11-23-1987 - 12-6-2010)

My mother came into my room this morning trying to break the news of your passing. It was approx 5 am when she woke me up. Stumbling upon her words, she tried to ask me what my plans were for the day. She just had no idea how she could tell me what had happened to you. Eventually these words slipped out of her mouth "Tanu, Sathy was murdered last night, hes gone." I just didnt understand. I spoke to you yesterday, how can you be gone? How?

Its not fair. You just turned 23, and you were on your way to a successful career. All you have ever done in your life is help those around you, always. Never has it been about you. It was always what can Sathy do for others. Selflessness defines you and I think that is where I picked it up from. You are the most honest and giving man I know. The multitude of respect I have for you is unmatched by another. No man will ever live up to your stature. You never engaged in any wrongdoings and you are the only guy I know that doesn't believe in drinking alcohol because you think its bad for your soul. Surrounded by alcoholics, druggies and constant peer pressure, you never succumbed to either.

So why did God snatch you away from us when all you ever did was make the world a better place? I want to know why? Last night you didn't think twice when your friend called you asking for help. You ran to his defense and lost your life. That friend of yours didn't even have the guts to face his problems and wanted you to fix things. Why did you have to go and lay down your life for him? Why is he not even in the least bit apologetic for what happened? It's his fault you died. I will never forgive him. Why did these cowards put so many bullets through my beloved cousin? Why? Who told them they have the right to take lives? These monsters have taken the most amazing man from this world.

I am not sure how I will ever get past this. I have been going crazy all day. We grew up together, lived together, dreamt together and now you're just gone. You were not just my cousin, you were my older brother and one of my best friends. I could always confide in you about anything. Our personalities have always been very similar and you understand me better than anyone could. I have you to thank for the good attributes in me. Selflessness has hurt us both but I never thought it would take you away from me, never. I miss you so much and I just want this pain to go away. I feel like someone has stabbed me in the heart and left me with this unbearable piercing pain. I cant think beyond this right now. I am waiting for you to call me and tell me its a lie, you're still here.

Life without you is going to be so hard for me. A part of me died with you and this is straight torture. I wont be able to rest until I know these murderers are caught and punished. They are all cowards and really deserve to die...

The happiness you spread in our lives will never be forgotten. Everyone is hurting.We lost a part of our family last night. Rest in Peace Sathy. We will never forget the many laughs and good times that we shared with you. We will not rest until the people who took you from us are brought to justice. Words cannot express how our family is feeling, knowing that we will not be able to see your smile when we get together. We love you, and will never forget you.

Rab Rakha

Lessons You Should Have Learned From Your Past Relationships

Breakups might leave you feeling bereft but every failed relationship comes with a lesson, be it good or bad. Ultimately they will help you establish what you're looking for in a partner and make you a happier and healthier person.

Lesson 1: accept that not all relationships last

Once you accept that some relationships are temporary, you can learn to stop blaming yourself for what you see as relationship failures. Instead take them for what they are - helpful life lessons.Perhaps your personalities didn't fit well, your goals weren't the same and your priorities conflicted. If you're honest with yourself you'll admit that you're much better off as a result of the relationship and breakup than you would have been had you not experienced them at all.

Lesson 2: learn how to apply lessons

Look at past relationships and reassess your priorities now that you're single

Lesson 3: look in the mirror

Look at what you could improve about your own behaviour in a relationship. Do you communicate your feelings enough? Are you too strong-headed? Think about what has negatively impacted your past relationships before entering a new one.

Lesson 4: take stock of your own life

Don't expect future partners to fix you. In fact, if your ideal partner were to find you in mess, chances are he would make a speedy retreat. It's vital to take steps to change what it is that you don't like about your life.

Lesson 5: value single time

You need to be able to rely on yourself, not others. "Me time" will help you heal, learn your lessons and discover your own resilience, which you won't be able to do if you jump straight back into a relationship.

Boys Are Insane In The Membrane

It’s funny how the people that hurt you the most, are the one’s that promised they never would.

This year has been undoubtedly atrocious for me since the beginning. How things progressively became more and more deplorable still fails to make sense. After finally cutting the chord over a year go with the jackass that had ruined my life I thought everything was gonna turn around for me. Because honestly what could be worse than all the twaddle that i had already been through with him for years? It only seemed logical to think that everything was going to be better for me. Or so i thought…

Surprise Surprise he is back! This time he isn't taking no for an answer. How in the world am I supposed to get rid of him? I cut him so long ago and now he is so damn persistent that he will win me back that its turning him into a stalker. FML!

Common Lies They Tell You

1.) Always be yourself- how do you know who you are until you try to be someone you're not

2) You shouldnt care what others think about you- how else do you better yourself and i dont like apathetic people much

3) Be true to yourself- everyone needs to lie to themselves every once in a while to make it through the day

4) Love like youve never been hurt- too often people get caught up in this artificial idea of love constructed by novelists, disney, and hallmark. Never ever lose sight of reality and there is nothing wrong with being pessimistic. Maybe there is such a thing as love, and if there is and its sooo magical, it will magically make the logistics work out, you should never have to work at it...and in the same way there is no realtionship in life you dont have to tend to.

5) Dance like no ones watching- why...i think its more fun to dance with other people to have them enjoy your energy and you their's. Ease into this idea, and to do that you have to dance with people watching, and even when you can pretend youre completely alone...you still know youre not...and so what?

6) Stop and smell the roses- if you like the smell of roses, not everyone else does, some people like life zooming past them at a high speed that results in a rush of adrenaline and whats so wrong with being an adrenaline junkie?

7.) Your life is shaped by the choices you make- who thought it was necessary to write this???...seriously? id really like to know

Find the Morsals of Positive in all

Ive realized that my greatest insecurity is my mind...and that's it. I just need to have faith in my own abilities...I may not be the most brilliant mind, but I am intelligent and thus have something to offer the world. Someone may read this and feel differently...and thats exactly the point of it I guess...just being okay with that.

What I learned today----The world is sooo fucked up...Where do you begin trying to change it...everything is wrong in someones eyes. Every action has and equal and opposite reaction...and that reaction is both negative and positive. You can't even assess which is the greater evil. People will never be treated as equals, its through hiearchy that we find identity...and we need the illusion of identity to fuction....so fucked.

While I inherently believe that hiearchy is necessary to find identity(thus inequality), and people need identity to function. What is the point in accepting that? What will that get me personally? Maybe the point isnt the ends but the process. Life is too short to have a pessimistic attitude.

My mother always says "A good attitude will always make a bad situation better," and I couldn't agree more. Sure I have those days where Im feeling down and miserable...but don't we all? Think positive...do positive things...and your life will in turn be more positive..