In the recent weeks I have had many people bombard me with relationship questions. I decided to address the ones that were asked the most. For those of you who are just tuning in, I do not consider myself a relationship guru, but I do have a sufficient amount of knowledge… enough to advise others anyways. Also, for those who don’t know, I was not just a science geek that dug bio during college, I also majored in sociology. Therefore I do know what I am talking about lol I have been studying people and their roles in society for years.

Now lets get right to it. Can a guy and girl be just friends? Why is it so hard to get a guy to open up to you? When is it right to cut a former flame out of your life?

Friendship...Is it platonic?

When it comes to the question of whether or not guys and girls can be just friends there is no universal truth. In some cases guys and girls can be the best of friends but in other cases any truly platonic relationship is virtually impossible. I have been on both ends. I have some really good guy friends in my life that I honest to God treat like brothers. I consider them family and the feeling is mutual. Then there are former guy friends of mine that didn’t see me in the same light. At some point in time I went from being their “sister” or close “homegirl” to the girl they wanted to date. I was pretty firm on my standings and those friendships went down the drain. Sad times :’(

I think that whether or not a guy and a girl can be just friends really depends on how the friendship started, on whether or not there is a physical attraction involved, and on the personalities of the individuals. There really is no good reason why members of the opposite sex can’t have important and close friendships with one another. Objections to these types of friendships come from a crude cultural belief that all guys view girls as sexual objects first and real people second. This is just plain stupid and does a disservice to males and females.

While there are situations where physical attraction is a factor it is rarely so overwhelming that it makes a friendship impossible. When physical attraction or lust does get in the way of being friends it isn’t always the guy who is struggling with those feelings. Yes, girls do lust after guys as much as guys lust after girls.

Whether or not that lust stifles a budding friendship or destroys an existing one is entirely dependent on the person having the feelings. Guys and girls can be friends if they really want to be friends. It only gets complicated if there is physical attraction involved that is not handled.

Closed Books...

I have had a lot of women continuously coming to me whining about the fact that their men are such closed books. They keep saying I pour my heart and soul out to him. (I think we all do that at times) I ask him to please be more open with me and share his other side. It is hard for me to love him completely when he shows only the perfect side of him. I trust him and believe he has good intentions, even if he talks about superficial things too much. He does say he loves me a lot, but that isn't enough anymore.

Well ladies, maybe you should consider the fact that most of the time it is socially unacceptable for men to display their feelings. Men who show their feelings tend to be disparaged as weak both by their male peers and by the women they date. If you're at the stage where you're willing to let him open up to you without thinking negatively about him…well then good for you; but he may not yet be ready or comfortable. So stop having panic attacks and take a few steps back.

I hate to say it, but a lot of women, just like MEN, say lots of things they don't mean simply because they think it sounds good. Its something I have definitely taken notice to when observing and listening to surrounding females, and what I imagine a lot of guys have learned, through personal experience. Trusting what these women say is a hit or miss game, and a game each and every male has to play his own way without assistance.

Rest assured my sweethearts that in time, he will open up…maybe not as much as you would like, but he will do it, so the more you stand by him, the fewer games you play, the more he will start to trust you. Try to understand his point of view from a sociological perspective and always remember these 3 golden rules.

Rule 1 - Do not nag him

So, if you ask him 99 times he has to tell you the truth on 100 right? Wrong! If you continually ask your guy the same question over and over again you may think that you are wearing him down. But really you are just wearing him out. If he doesn't want to tell you something then nagging him is only going to make him calm up more. On top of that, you have just put yourself in the dreaded position of being the nagging woman. Don't let that happen. Trust me on this one. I have done it enough times to really understand how damaging it can be. 

Rule 2 - No ultimatums

If you are willing to manipulate your guy by giving him ultimatums in order to glean information from him, then you'd better also be ready to lose him. Guys feel intensely threatened by women who offer ultimatums for something that they want and with good reason. An ultimatum is essentially emotional abuse. If you use them, your guy will not feel comfortable opening up to you because you have established yourself as someone who may hurt him if he does. An ultimatum will not get your man to reveal his true feelings to you. On the contrary, it will either make him leave you or make him lie to you.

Rule 3 - Give up

That's right, relationships mean compromise and if you have already tried to get your man to reveal his true feelings and been denied access then you need to move on. He will tell you when he is ready to do so and any amount of nagging or forcing will only work against your ultimate goal. Besides, once he thinks that you don't care anymore he may actually start to wonder why and miss the fact that you aren't giving him attention over it. He just might be inspired to open up to you when you least expect it.

The ex....

Ahhhh the dreaded ex factor. We have all been there. Can you remain friends with an ex? Yes and no. It truly depends on the situation. The only 2 ex’s I am friends with are guys with whom I was good friends with from the get go. Those relationships weren’t very serious and ended on good terms. Then there was my serious relationship of three years in which there is no chance in hell that I would ever consider being friends with the guy. So I think a lot depends on why you broke up. Anytime there is a restraining order, no friendship can come lol

Let's first look at the break up. Are you done breaking it off? Do either of you have unresolved anger towards the other? Do either of you feel like you were taken advantage of, or taken for granted, and haven't fully expressed this in a cleansing way? The first relationship -lovers- has to really be over, before the second relationship -friendship- can begin.

Is wanting to be friends now a subconscious excuse to be around this person so you can find closure on unresolved things? And the opposite is true, too. Did you break up because you cheated? Did you take her for granted? Did she find out you lied about your ex? Is wanting to be friends now, really a product of guilt you have for how you were as a partner? Do you feel you owe your ex, at the very least, your friendship? These are not the kinds of preambles that will result in good friendships. Be clear about the break up in your mind, and make sure your ex is too.

If you truly want to be friends with your ex, it should be because you like him as a friend. It needs to be because you are willing to work at what might be a very hard friendship to solidify. What attracted you to him or her in the first place, is probably still there. She may still be the coolest person in your life, that reads the same things you read and enjoys talking about those books over 2am coffees at bad diners. He may still be the guy with the best sense of humor, that's happy to go to Laker games and and shares a lot of your interests. Your ex may still exist in the same light in which you first saw this person. Maybe dating was a mistake. Or maybe it was worth a shot, but sadly it didn't work. There's habit and familiarity here, which are huge things and should not be taken lightly. Do you want to be friends with your ex because he's so exceptional, or because he's so easy and convenient?

There is a process that comes with getting over a break up. Once you and your former flame have successfully moved on, the two of you may be able to forge a successful friendship. However, you need to give it time and let it happen naturally. Sometimes couples are not willing to leave their friendships in the hands of fate. After all, they reason, if love didn't blossom for them, why would friendship be any different? But friendships ARE different, and that's the point. So if you happen upon your former flame after you are both in a good place in your lives, keeping them around as a friend is a possibility.

In a perfect world, the ideal would be for exes to succeed at being friends, but in one where bitterness, jealousy, passion, and human nature exceed reasoning and rational thought, it can be quite difficult. It is NOT impossible though. I think that unless the two of you were the best of friends before, both broke up on the same terms in a perfectly mutual breakup, both have no qualms about either of you seeing new people, and have both instilled a policy of total honesty, you're better to leave the friendship behind... along with the memories.