Its been nearly a month since my cousin passed and even though I am moving forward with my life and attempting to act normal, I really cant fathom what has happened. Grief truly is a strange emotion. You have convinced yourself that you're ok, you are moving forward and even if just for a moment, you really believe things are going to be ok. Then, out of nowhere, something will trigger that pain and it hits you like a bullet through your chest all over again. Some days I am ok, I truly am, other days I am just sulking. Its just so hard to think about living life without someone who I grew up with and have always been so close to. Ive lost an older brother and best friend and he cannot be replaced.

I can’t shake that image of his body lying in that casket from my mind. I can’t shake the grief that seems to be permeating my whole being. I feel so empty. I sit here and look at pictures of us when Im alone. I go on his facebook everyday looking for some type of closure that it just cannot give me. I am proud to call Sathy family. I dont know another that is as courageous and loving as he was. People say to live each day like it were your last but he is the only person I know that lived up to that saying. I remember Sathy once saying, " Tanu, I am happy with where I am in life, I feel accomplished, Ive done well for myself and helped a lot of people, so if I go now its ok, I have lived my life to the fullest." Not many people feel that content with their present lives, and most certainly not at such a young age.

Ive grown much closer to Sathy's girlfriend during this time. We share the pain of losing him but never would I be able to comprehend her pain. They were planning their marriage for next year, dreamt of having children together and growing old together. Nothing I say can make it easier for her to deal with losing the love of her life. I pray nobody has to endure such pain. Mina is a very strong girl and I am proud of her for keeping it together the way she has. She called me the other day and said "Your family is amazing. They are such funny people.. always cracking jokes and trying keep each others' spirits up, especially during this time. Just being around them has helped me so much. Everyone accepted me with open arms and treated me like family, even the cousins I never knew about before treat me like I'm one of their own." That is my family. However crazy we may get, we are one huge loving bunch. Anyone who is with us is bound to laugh until they cry and be surrounded by an immeasurable amount of love.

I have been a support system for many people in my family during this time but I know for a fact I would not have made it if it weren't for my mother. She has been my pillar of strength. My mother was the one that refused to let me sit idle and cry myself to sleep everyday and night, she refused to let me keep it all in and shut everyone out, she refused to watch me fall into a slow depression, and she refused to let me sit defeated. I am stronger because of her. Her support allowed me to help not only myself but also everyone else.

Coming to terms with reality is always hard but when you have such strong support it becomes easier. I know I will be ok. Time will heal these wounds. Memories wont fade and the love wont disappear but time will help lessen the pain.

Every timeI was reluctant and scared about a decision in the making, Sathy always said, "Just Do it, you don't want to regret it later on." He would be happy to know that he was always right. I just need to learn to throw caution the wind and take more chances in life. You dont know how long your stay is... so why wait to do things to make yourself happy?


Mina found this old note of Sathy's that truly depicts who he was. RIP brother.